This little post has been quite a few days coming, so far - & its reaaaally long. I'm sorry for that.
A lot of our friends have been asking since monday what the word is on our little baby after our ultrasound that afternoon - monday to friday is a long time to wait to say anything, but we kind of needed the week to process everything a little more.
So basically, we had our ultrasound monday & i thought we'd find out the sex within a few minutes & be done & go off and celebrate. the end, kind of thing.
But they found some things in our little babys brain from the ultrasound that we weren't expecting - i don't think any expecting mom really plans on hearing that her baby will be any different from any other healthy baby. & i wasn't either. so monday we left knowing that our little babys brain didn't seem to be growing quite like it should & there was a lot of fluid in the left side that was making it swell that could be a sign of some kind of syndrome. so by the time we left on monday we had an appointment scheduled with another doctor on tuesday to do a more in depth ultrasound at the hospital the next day.
The next afternoon, we sat through another very long ultrasound appointment. the swelling was still visible, & the doctor also found some problems with a few of the babys organs - primarily its bowels, & it looked like it was possibly missing both of its radius bones
{one of the two bones in your lower arms}, & my umbilical cord also appeared to be a single artery cord - two is typical, or normal.
Oh! but we did finally found out the sex that day, too. A little boy. Hopefully he'll look like his daddy :)
So obviously, saying its been a crazy few days for us is a major understatement.
I've never quite felt 22, but i feel about twice my age, now.
it's been a big growing up week - the most bitterly sad times i think either daniel or i have ever experienced, but also strangely peaceful, too.
The first question from our doctor was if we even wanted to proceed with the pregnancy - & with the little bit of control we have right now, we're choosing life, absolutely for our little baby boy.
Right now, our next step is to decide if we want to get any testing done, either thru blood work or an amnio - neither will give us any absolute answers, or even really half answers, but we could possibly know to prepare a bit more for when our baby comes.
So, that is where we are now - we won't have any more answers for the next several weeks at least, & most likely until our little guy is born.
In the meantime - I think we're really doing about as well as possible. Our hearts are sad for our little boy, & its easy to let ourselves become bitter or angry or scared about what this could mean for our family, but those haven't been our all-consuming thoughts. Finding out your child has an illness or deformity or a chromosomal problem just doesn't seem fair, but we serve a God that is bigger than any ultrasound screening or any problems that our little boy could have. So even in the midst of something like this, Daniel & I have felt such a massive peace over our lives that I can't even explain. Even in the moments that feel the hardest & I think that maybe my heart could break & my eyes can't cry anymore - they're tears for our baby, but also a strange gladness that the Lord would care enough about us to grow us this way & trust us with this little baby - because it's really His baby, & not ours, after all.
To a lot of people that must sound absolutely crazy, I know it does. A lot of what I've said might even sound kind of gibberishy. There is a verse, though, that I think really explains what we're feeling in Psalm 27:12
"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord…"
& we really do believe that, even though we've found ourselves in moments where its easy to despair.
I can see a little better already how really awful things like this can somehow turn out for our good. They work good in us & expands our hearts - they hurt a lot more, but they are also more compassionate.
It makes us pray so much more than we ever have before. Our marriage & our faith is stronger & we love our little baby so much more than we did before our ultrasound Monday...
We've been talking a lot the past few days, too, about how we should pray for our boy, because we do believe that God has formed our little son & he can heal his body. So we're praying for healing - either a miraculous healing or through medical ways, but even if God chooses that our best isn't to heal our little man - we know we trust & follow a God that is kind & loves us so so much.
Daniel had emailed me this morning a verse that I think sums how we want to pray for healing in Daniel 3:17-18. If you're not familiar with the story of Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego, this verse is right before they were being thrown into a fiery furnace for refusing to worship the King's idols:
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand. But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."
Their prayer was for deliverance, but even if God chose not to answer their prayers the way they wanted, they were willing to submit to what He had for them.
So for a while we will wait. & see how the Lord works out the rest of our family story while we try to just live a day at a time & take each doctors appointment & each glad & sad thing as they come.
Sorry again for the massive length of this - its been the hardest post for me to try to write in not too long terms all that we've been thinking the past few days - but we wanted our family & friends to know our hearts - {& what we want our hearts to be} as we're walking through the next few months. We're so grateful for all the care we've received already & all of your prayers, so thank you!
